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What are we doing when we meet someone for the first time? We’re sizing them up, noticing similarities and assessing differences. We’re looking for things we can relate to. Yes, we’re judging people on the way they look.

Why do we do this?

It goes back to our basic instinct for survival. Is this person a “friend or foe”? Before societies and laws were developed, the world was a very dangerous place. We, as a species, don’t run very fast, relative to predators and spears and bullets, so to enhance our chances of survival, we evolved really good vision. We needed to know immediately, and at a distance, “Is this person a member of my clan and someone I can align with, or is this person going to harm me?”

Fast forward to today.

This means is that people are checking you out all the time, and making judgments based on the image you present to the world, to see if you fit into their clan (organization, culture, company, etc.). I say that this is a good thing! This is your opportunity to control how people judge you, before they know you. Take the time to adjust your image to meet the circumstances. Work it to your advantage.

Let me say that again: You are in control.

When you walk into a new situation, know that you are putting your best self forward by planning and preparing how you look. “People are looking at me and judging me.” Guess what, they are. And guess what else, it’s perfectly alright. Now you know they are assessing you to see if you fit into their clan, and you’ve maximized your chances of success.

Excerpted from “Wonder Women” presented at Harvard Business School

Recently, I had the privilege of presenting my program “Wonder Women” to a group of 30 students at Harvard Business School. All were women, from diverse and varied cultures and backgrounds.

“Wonder Women” began to percolate in my mind when I was invited as a guest to the national meeting of Northwestern Mutual. I was surprised at how few women there were at the meeting, but it turns out that only 10% of the field is female. As I walked around, I talked to several young women from different parts of the country, who all started working for Northwestern within the past couple of years. Each was engaging, dynamic, and excited to be a part of the organization. Later I was surprised to learn that over 90% of them would not be working for Northwestern Mutual in five years. That’s a huge attrition rate! Why do they leave? I immediately began to think “What can I teach these women about selling and communication skills that could help them close more business and achieve financial success sooner, and therefore want to stay with the company longer?”

I’ve researched and read extensively about gender differences, as well as communications, teams, and public speaking. I wanted to know not only how women communicate differently than men, but why they do, from a biological perspective. That directly led me to think about how these disparities (pitch/tone, body language, eye contact, etc.) may impact a woman’s success in a gender-biased (male, white) business world, and what women can do to counteract them.

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Why “Don’t Judge Me For The Way I Look” Doesn’t Work

Let me say that again: You are in control.

WONDER WOMEN IN BUSINESS at Harvard

I WANT TO HELP WOMEN “GAME THE SYSTEM” BY GIVING THEM COMMUNICATION TOOLS TO PULL OUT WHEN THE SITUATION WARRANTS IT.